Three Years
by ThreeWildOceans
Summary: Major character death. When you lose someone you need comfort but the one that comforts you may not always be the one you're expecting.


This is my first Merlin fanfiction. My beta was: DragoonTheBoss she is lovely and you should check her out!

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"_Merlin, what are you doing?" Arthur stared at his servant as they were hiding from 'the villain of the week.'  
"Saving your royal backside as usual." He smiled cheekily at Arthur as he thought his options through.  
"Oh no, you are not doing anything stupid.. I mean extremely stupid."Arthur held a steady grip on Merlin's arm.  
"Well you know me, I can't help it." Merlin jumped up and in doing so he managed to slip out of Arthur's grip. He scrambled to take a hold of Merlin's arm again but he was too late, Merlin was already half way over to the enemies. He tried to go after him but felt something pulling him back. All he could do was to watch helplessly as the enemy fell, taking Merlin with him. As soon as Merlin fell he could move, he bolted away.  
"Merlin! This time it's really important that you listen to me!" He slapped him in the face and sighed with relief when Merlin regained consciousness.  
"Were you worried?" He looked up at Arthur with tired eyes.  
"I'm always worried when you are around. Mostly for my own safety." He put Merlin's head in his lap, waiting for someone to bring Gaius to them. Merlin laughed but was interrupted by a horrible cough.  
"Take care of yourself Arthur. Now that I won't be here to save you." He closed his eyes, he was clearly tired after the attack.  
"What are you talking about? Gaius is on his way." Arthur refused to listen to this kind of talk, he had enough of experience of war to know that you didn't survive an attack like that. But this was Merlin, the manservant that had survived more than most knights.  
"I love you, clot pole." Merlin raised his hand and touched Arthur's cheek. Arthur held his hand in place and tried to savour the touch.  
"I love you too." He didn't say anything more, he couldn't. He felt his throat close up, but as he had told Merlin once: 'no man is worth your tears.' He felt the hand on his face loose its grip and it fell to the ground when he released it. _

Arthur woke up startled, he could feel the sweat run down his back. A dream, just a dream he told himself. Then he looked around the chamber and his heart sank. It wasn't a dream, it was a memory.

Three years, three years since Merlin sacrificed his life for him. Three years since he lost his love. He couldn't look Gaius in the eye anymore, not since that day. It was his fault, if only Merlin had listened to him. Stupid, clumsy, brave Merlin.

Arthur was sitting in his chambers going over some papers for the council when there was a knock on the door. He pulled his right hand trough his hair and let out a sigh, he had refused to get another servant. No one could replace Merlin, he had been the worst servant that ever had set foot in Camelot but there was no other. He got up to answer the door himself. The person looking up at him was the last person he wanted to see. Hunith, Merlin's mother. He hadn't seen her since the day of Merlin's memorial, he stepped aside to let her into his chambers.

"Sire." She bowed her head at him, Arthur turned away. He couldn't handle the respect she showed him, didn't she realise that he was the reason she no longer had a son?  
"Please, call me Arthur." That was what her son always had said anyway, when he wasn't insulting him. He offered her a seat and sat down opposite. They sat in silence for a moment before Hunith started speaking.  
"It's the day of Merlin's birth today, he always wanted to have a sword when he was little. I wouldn't let him of course, I can't imagine what damage he would have caused with that." She smiled looking away from Arthur, probably lost in memories. Arthur swallowed, he knew the damage Merlin had made with a sword. After all he was the one who had given him one. Before he could reply to her statement she continued.  
"Then he grew up and I can tell you that he was a trouble maker! And clumsy, I don't know if you noticed that. He could fall over his own feet." He didn't know what to say, of course he had noticed. Every day for three years.

He wanted to ask her why she was there. And yet he didn't have the heart to interrupt her, he put on the reserved smile he wore during council meetings.  
"And then I sent him away, I thought I did the right thing." Here it comes, Arthur thought. The blame, he had been waiting for this. He had been waiting for three years, the guilt he felt multiplied as he looked her in the eyes.  
"And I did, sending Merlin to Camelot was the best decision I ever made!" Arthur looked at her in shock, surely he was mistaken. This could only be the words created by his imagination.  
"Pardon?" She smiled at him again, the kind of smile he always imagined his own mother would have worn.  
"When I saw the way you made him happy I knew I had made the right decision." Arthur looked frightened, he always thought that they had hidden their affections when they were around other people.  
"Oh don't worry, Arthur, only me and Gaius knows. And no, Merlin didn't tell us. He never was a good liar when it came to certain things." She put her hand over his and she could see tears building up in Arthur's eyes.  
"And you don't.. I mean, you didn't disapprove?" He was still uncertain, he lost so much because of his insecurities. Whichever turn he made there was someone telling him to turn around again.  
"How could I disapprove of something that made my son happy? Arthur, you were the reason he kept on fighting. You were his light in life, I could never take that away from him." Arthur straightened up, he didn't like looking weak in front of others. Hunith felt that her time was up, as she got up she never let go of the cold hand in front of her. She was almost at the door when she remembered why she had visited Arthur.  
"Oh, I almost forgot this." She pulled something from around her neck as Arthur made his way over to her.  
"In our family it's tradition to give the person who turns twenty five a pendant with their name on it." She let the pendant sway in front of them both. The name on it stood out clearly in the light from the window.  
"I have carried it around with me since Merlin was born, but since it's been twenty five years since his birth.. I want you to have it. Keep it close to your heart as I have done. It belongs to you now, Arthur Pendragon. Take good care of it as I know you did with him." She let the chain fall into Arthur's open hand. He stared at it, then at Hunith before leaning forward. He hugged her, he wanted to show her how much it meant to him. How much her son had meant to him.  
"Thank you." He whispered as he pulled away from her. She smiled at him and left without looking back.  
"Three years Merlin. Three years, that's how long it's been."


End file.
